If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
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All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
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Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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