I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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