The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
