His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
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One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
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Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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