My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
