You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Randomize
