if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
