no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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