I think i peed on brittanys purse
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
