My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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