my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
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My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
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Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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