if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
