anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Vodka?
Forever.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
