shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
