My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
