it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
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