i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.