So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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