So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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