I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
