i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
