I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
