She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
