hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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