i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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