her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
