Im at strip club and am horny
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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