I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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