So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
