I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
