Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
