am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
