Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
