ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
