filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
