The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
