five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
