Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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