Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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