Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We have started to decorate penises.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
i've created a new STD.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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