Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
