Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
