I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
