did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Barsexuality is the new black.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
