i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
