So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
