My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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