Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
