All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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