I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's rum buckets o'clock
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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