I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
