6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
