i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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