sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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