we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
