It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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