that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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