I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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