bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
